The Roller Coaster

My life raising a two-year-old (almost) is one big roller coaster. There are about a hundred different ups and downs, and that is before lunch, on a good day. I am amazed, almost daily how erratic the behavior of a young child can be. And even more I am amazed at how I can go from feeling totally normal to feeling like I am drowning in a sea of terrible mom-hood in the flash of a toddler mood swing. I usually have it all together pretty well, so it is pretty shocking that a three(ish) foot kid who can't even put sentences together can put me into a tailspin.

This morning was a perfect example of the above. It seemed like a normal morning, other than the fact that we had an extra hour before having to leave the house. Danny was watching cartoons while I got breakfast ready, our extra hour was allowing me to make eggs for both of us, a hot breakfast during the week, imagine that! Little Danny-do did NOT approve of me being in the kitchen instead of sitting with him on the couch. He was a hot mess. Pushing me away from the stove, trying to pull my pants down, kicking, screaming and being a nasty little boy. Many more tears, a time out, and a spanking later he decided to leave me alone, while we were both in tears he watched cartoons and I finished making breakfast.

We sat and ate together, at the table. He had big tears still on his cheek, and I felt like a pathetic excuse for a mother. We continued to go about our morning playing and getting ready for school/the babysitter. The worst part of the day is when I have to leave him with the sitter, he always cries when I leave, and I am left feeling like a selfish mom for leaving him so I can go to school. The whole drive to campus is spent beating myself up for having such a terrible morning with him, then dropping him at the sitters and going about my day.

I tell myself that this will all go away when I graduate and am home with him. All he needs is consistency during the day, right? Probably not. As my good friend Lydia tells me " I'm home 24/7 and have plenty of consistency and still have very bad days." I know that me being home with my son isn't going to magically change our world, I know we will still have bad days, but I hope that I feel less guilt about them because I don't have to leave him after a terrible morning.


I have been told to "get over it," the terrible feeling that I have when I leave my child. I have been told that "everyone has to leave their kids, it is part of life." I know that is true for many, and I know people who wouldn't have it any other way. I have a good friend who admits that she HAS to go to work because she would go nuts if she didn't. Every mom is different, some are made to me working moms, some are made to be stay at home moms. And some moms are made to do one thing but forced to do the other. We are all special in our own way, just like our kids.


But for me, there is nothing else. There is nothing I would rather be doing than staying home and raising my kids. There is nothing that I am as good at, and there is nothing I care about enough to feel that it is a valuable trade. Every day when I leave Danny to go to school I think about my working mom friends and I am amazed at what they do. Not only do they work in stressful careers all day, but they come home and do it all for their kids. Those women I truly admire, because I don't know how they do it (and they look so good doing it). 


My only hope is that the negativity that has been shown to me for being a stay at home mom will not reflect onto my children. I hope they always know that I GOT to stay home, not that I HAD to. 

So how did our day end? Beautifully. Danny took a bath without screaming, which is our of the ordinary for him these days. We read played and read stories, then gave kisses and hugs before bedtime. The roller coaster continues on, but it sure is a fun ride.